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| today was unarguably one of those days, but I prefer not to revel in all its tribulations and rather occupy myself with random instant messages and pesky pop-up ads. My mind feels safer contemplating uncomfortable conversations with eighth grade boys than self-destruction and I have no problem with pretending that I don't have to wake up early for summer school tomorrow. During one of today's many breakdowns, and making my way home through familiar trees and lightposts , I thought about where I would prefer if that "anywhere but here" saying granted my wish. I decided on an airplane. I like the sense of being on top of the world but at the same time just a speckle out of a window, I love that on an airplane ride departing, people as constant as your daily cup of coffee are as bleak and desolate as a swimming pool on an uninviting february morning, both in a positive and negative aspect. It doesn't mean disrespect to separate yourself from the ones you care about, just a time to think, or escape, and what is an airplane if not an escape? except maybe in a head like mine, filled with acceptable report cards and supermodel spreads, both of which are pin-pointed in impeccable detail of what and why I am not up to par, but I empty it once in awhile with inside jokes and favorite songs and the people and the things that are said to mean so little but mean so much on a day-to-day basis.
& I suppose thats all I can do for now. | | |
| something about cheesy kids movies makes me want to rip apart my anti- love and realism perspectives and be a broken hearted loser just like everyone else. but it will pass. I smell summer. in old mixtapes and a hopeful scale. I cant wait to get my long hair and hipbones look back. I suppose Im trying to keep this entry brief and questionable , because compared to the endless xangas of "today I went shopping and got a zebra print bra"or "I hope Craig likes me, but I like john too", compared to my constant analytical calamities that would better be resolved in a therapy session followed by the words, " ... and how does that make you feel?", I hardly leave anything up to the imagination. Therefore, I will stop now to prove to myself I can post a blog without a rush of self-deprecating slurs.end.
 
but now we must
pick up every
piece of the life
we used to love.
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| &nd I guess what makes me most mad is I was past this. I was pretty and thin and even then I didn't see it. now im everything I despise appearance-wise and after everything I did to save up and endless meals I skipped. and what's the point really? cuz even the most beautiful people are criticized, the happiest couples get torn apart, the albums that put us to sleep are judged on a scale of scene points and what is fucking "cool". and we'll never be important if we dont cut our hair like a boy and establish exaggerated bragging rights out of our apathy. So we find comfort in a liquid that warms our less than magazine-starved bellies, and we choke back tears because we've already cried our makeup off three times.&nd as everything sets in place, were growing too tired of solo judgement on our face, and our cheekbones are surely not in the right place, so we use "we" instead of "I" in an attempt to show we dont care, and were starting not to care.
& Im starting not to care. | | |
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I hate my short hair with a passion. &nd even more when people compliment it. Its like they are happy seeing me miserable. like I’m not a threat to them anymore. &nd I know thats extremely insecure and over-analyical but thats just the way my mind works in these sutuations. Im in one of those moods right now, somewhere between self destruction and overwhelming confidence, where I want to make everybody jealous and have no one notice me at the same time. It gets tedious being the person I hate the most &nd the only person who believes in me. | | |
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